I did it again..

I am literally the world's worst blogger. I did it again. I let you down and I let myself down. I said 'Yes, this time my blog will be successful and consistent' but it wasn't.

See a lot has happened to me this past year so I guess that's why I gave up writing. I started university, I broke up with Dexter's dad and I got a year older.

The hardest part I guess was becoming a single mum. I was sick of living with my dominating, miserable and downright ignorant 'partner'. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful father and I wouldn't ever remove my son from his Dad without a good reason but it really had to end. As you may know from reading my previous blogs, I am an anxious person and it just took me a little while to realise my relationship was one of the main causes for my heartache. I didn't know where I stood, I felt lonely and unsupported which caused me to struggle with exhaustion each day, which in turn piled on top of me. Anxiety and extreme fatigue are not a great combination.

And now it's over and has been for a long time I feel okay. I now know I don't need to defend this man to anyone anymore because he is none of my business. I will always love and care for him as the father of my child but there will never be anymore to it than that now. He doesn't treat me or anyone else with the respect I deserve and this is why I guess I am ranting. You should never be made to feel less than what you are. Be it by a boyfriend or anyone else. I felt like a faliure who had broken a family, when in fact what I have done is put myself first for once. My son is happy and that is all that matters. He no longer has to listen to his parents row and he still gets to see both of us on neutral ground - I mean I have always pretty much been a single mum anyway.

This blog post is a bit sporadic and I am sorry about that. I'm blabbering to my keyboard as I have so many things I could say - but for now I will leave you with this. This is my summer for writing and blogging and I hope I have something interesting to tell you over the next few months. I will try hard not to fail again.

Sorry x

A Letter To My Post Pregnancy Body

For today's post I was inspired by this A Fresh Look At Post Pregnancy Bodies. It's inevitable that after you've had a baby, you're going to look different and that's scary. I though't I'd write a letter to my body and tell it how I really feel.

Dear Body,

Firstly I would like to say thank you. Thank you for holding my baby for me for nine months and providing my baby with the nourishment they needed to grow. I know before my baby was there I never really looked after you, but you reminded me that needed to stop. 

Lee thought you were beautiful whereas I thought you were too chubby in the wrong places and too pale. I didn't like the way you were red on my face or how you were dry on my legs. I hated the way you would bruise so easily so I always looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge. My boobs were too big and uncomfortable - they made me feel self concious. My hair wouldn't grow fast enough and my nails were always short and stumpy. I didn't like my weird belly button and how I already looked pregnant when I wasn't. My bum is too flat, my head was too big (to fit in hats I liked).

But then I found out you'd started to grow my baby and all I wanted to do was nurture you and make you feel loved again. I'd started drinking more water and eating more fruit. I even cut down on chocolate just for you. Caffeine as well, although I still had my morning coffee but I was told that would be okay. Since you started growing my baby I wanted to make sure you got the treatment you deserved, I gave prenatal yoga a try but I won't lie - that didn't last long. I preferred walking anyway.

Your bump started getting bigger and bigger and as your skin stretched those 'dreaded' stretch marks showed up too. I bought some Bio Oil from the internet and started rubbing that on your ever expanding stomach and it did feel lovely but you were getting so big it wasn't doing much good. I couldn't believe it though, I'd never looked at you body, in such awe before. I was always feeling my stomach not believing how big it had gotten in such a short amount of time. 

(41 weeks pregnant)

After you'd amazingly helped me get my baby boy into my arms I was left with a post pregnancy belly (meaning I still looked pregnant, but somewhat saggy). The midwife told me to call some of the phone numbers I'd listed in case I was mourning my bump or wanted to talk more about my birth experience. But I just laughed it off. Who would miss being heavily pregnant? Me apparently. A few days after coming home I cried for my bump. I missed it. I had this lovely round belly that everyone saw. When I was pregnant I never felt self concious - I felt proud. Proud that my body was capable of growing a baby.

Two years on and I still have body hang ups like everyone else. I mean we are only a human. But now my boobs have shrunk again and my body is sort of deflated. I've lost the baby weight I'd put on you all those months ago. I tried the gym again and of course it didn't work. You never gave up on me through my anxiety. You stayed strong and kept me on my feet, kept me going through those long nights and days. I respect you for that, I was so harsh on you. Not eating much and pushing you to your limit. But you were there for me.

I still have those stretch marks, and they are fading now too. Although I don't really like them sometimes it is nice to think about how they got there, and what you did for me - body. You really are a great friend. I'm sorry I hate you so much sometimes. And I'm sorry I still pump you full of sugar (you can blame my sweet tooth for that one). But I'm learning to live with you. And accept you. There are much bigger things in this world to worry about.

Yours sincerely

Alice x