I did it again..

I am literally the world's worst blogger. I did it again. I let you down and I let myself down. I said 'Yes, this time my blog will be successful and consistent' but it wasn't.

See a lot has happened to me this past year so I guess that's why I gave up writing. I started university, I broke up with Dexter's dad and I got a year older.

The hardest part I guess was becoming a single mum. I was sick of living with my dominating, miserable and downright ignorant 'partner'. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful father and I wouldn't ever remove my son from his Dad without a good reason but it really had to end. As you may know from reading my previous blogs, I am an anxious person and it just took me a little while to realise my relationship was one of the main causes for my heartache. I didn't know where I stood, I felt lonely and unsupported which caused me to struggle with exhaustion each day, which in turn piled on top of me. Anxiety and extreme fatigue are not a great combination.

And now it's over and has been for a long time I feel okay. I now know I don't need to defend this man to anyone anymore because he is none of my business. I will always love and care for him as the father of my child but there will never be anymore to it than that now. He doesn't treat me or anyone else with the respect I deserve and this is why I guess I am ranting. You should never be made to feel less than what you are. Be it by a boyfriend or anyone else. I felt like a faliure who had broken a family, when in fact what I have done is put myself first for once. My son is happy and that is all that matters. He no longer has to listen to his parents row and he still gets to see both of us on neutral ground - I mean I have always pretty much been a single mum anyway.

This blog post is a bit sporadic and I am sorry about that. I'm blabbering to my keyboard as I have so many things I could say - but for now I will leave you with this. This is my summer for writing and blogging and I hope I have something interesting to tell you over the next few months. I will try hard not to fail again.

Sorry x

How I Deal With Stress & Anxiety

Yesterday's post was quite heavy hitting so today I thought I would do something a little bit more light hearted for my sake and yours. I'm the ultimate stress head and worrier (anxiety). Over the months I was being treated I learnt many ways of how to control and cope with my symptoms so I decided to share a few with you.

The Blob Man Tree

First things first, look at this tree of blob men (there's a link to download it below). You may recognise it as it seems to be quite well known online. 

(Download it here Blob Man Tree)

I was introduced to this at the start of my confidence building course through Sure Start. The idea is to colour in the blobs you best feel describe your feelings at the moment. For example, the man hanging on by a branch could symbolise your insecurity or the man facing the wrong way could show loneliness. You colour in as many as you want to show your feelings, but each man could symbolise something different to different people. I found it helpful as it was a way to get my feelings down on paper without going too in depth. Once I had completed the course, I had to colour another in - and it was very different. Some of them were the same like the man reaching out (it showed 'help me!' for me) but I also had added a man at the top on the shelf because I felt like I was half way on my journey to being at the top and happy again. 

It may be worth doing one of these every now and again so you can get a good look at how you're doing and access certain parts of your life that may be making you unhappy.

Hot Bubbles

This is baths of course. Everyone loves a good bath (or shower). I know this point is pretty self explanatory but we forget sometimes how therapeutic hot water can be for us. It relaxes our muscles and gives us time to think (or if you're anxious - time to forget everything). I recommend Radox Stress Relief. It's only about £1 but it does work. My mum has had Radox in the house for as long as I can remember... 

(Buy from Ocado)

Loud, Loud Music

I never really took to classical or whale songs to relax myself. When I'm feeling stressed I tend to whack on a bit of heavy metal or pop punk just so I can dance around like a loony and sing all the words. It does make me feel a hell of a lot better, especially if I have seen the band live (it takes me back to the moment). Dexter loves his rock music too now, so he doesn't mind having a little dance with me. At least at home nobody can see rubbish moves.  Haha. Apart from rock music I love Patrick Wolf; his voice just soothes me if having a good dance doesn't work - try Wind in the Wires or Stars if you're curious. 

(Source)

Join Happier

Some of the best advice I ever received was to write three positive things down every single day. It can be anything like 'being able to hang the washing out in the sunshine' or 'the baby went to bed well' - just anything at all that made you feel good. If you do this every day you'll start to feel more positive about the days ahead. Slowly as I was starting to become more positive, my three 'daily happy notes' were become better. I look back at the book now and the first months were very generalised things like 'I cleaned the house'. But then towards the end of them it became things like 'I feel good about myself' - that is a big step to take when you have depression. As many of you may know. 

(Source)

If pen and paper aren't your thing visit Happier.com (there's an app too!). There you'll be sent notifications so write your 3 happy moments, you can also share them with the world and view other peoples. Happiness all around basically!

And if all else fails...

I go and complain to my mum and get a big cuddle. I know some people may not be as close to their parents as I am, this may not be out of choice but anyone close to you can make you feel better. This can be by just listening to what you have to say - or even just giving you a hug. The amount of times I've ranted in text messages or over the phone would top the scale. But ears are there to listen - even if it is about how annoyed or upset you are.

If it's having children and not being able to cope that is making you upset then there's nobody better to ask than your mum or close family member. They've seen, felt and heard it all before so they'll be able to give you the best advice.

There is loads more I could put on this list such as breathing and sitting in the dark but I'll leave it at that and ask:

How do you cope with stress or anxiety?

An Interview With Myself (The Story So Far...)

So today I am going to try something new (again). I thought I should inform my readers of who I am exactly. What brought me to blogging and how I feel I can help others. What better way than to do an interview. And as it's just me writing, I thought I could interview myself. This is because I'm willing to ask the toughest questions and be able to give my honest answers. 

So Alice, you're 22 years old and you live with your fiance, son and cat. How did this come to happen? Give me a short summary of your life so far?

Well, I grew up in Kendal (Cumbria) until I was around 4 years old. Then we moved to Southport and I continued to live there until I was around 17, 18 years old. I met my other half (Lee) whilst working for a high street game shop (not GAME). We were friends for a while then a relationship just developed in the end. I found out I was pregnant when I was only about 4 weeks gone but we were pretty chuffed even though we'd only been together a year or so we'd known each other a while longer.  Things got serious pretty quickly, we moved into together and after months and months of begging he finally let me get my cat (as long as he named it, of course).

After you had Dexter how was life for you? Did you fall into it easily?

I'll be honest. Life was tough. After just a few days of leaving the hospital I felt drained and all I wanted to do was sit in the bath and cry. My mood would go up and down but I just put it down to 'baby blues' which is very common in mums who've spent time in hospital and stuff. Of course the first months flew by and it was great to have my baby home although at times I found the whole thing very scary and mentally exhausting. 

It says here that you suffered from PND (Post natal depression) and health anxiety. Could you tell me more about those and how they affected your life? 

Sure. Well post natal depression can affect up to 15% of new mums with around 25% of mothers still suffering from it when their baby reaches their first birthday (source). It usually effects the mums mood and how they want to interact with their new baby. You may feel like a hopeless parent who just can't cope, it can also affect your quality of sleep. Health anxiety can also be a sign of depression although it offers up different symptoms. The way it works is like regular anxiety although your worries are usually medical. For example thinking you're having a heart attack after one heart palpitation. 

(Source)

I had a mix of both of these and life was hell. I'd wake up each day feeling as though I hadn't slept to then have to face another day of exhausting mummy tasks. Each time I got out of breath I thought I was dying, every time my legs ached or I got pins and needles I thought it was because I had multiple sclerosis, or mistaking heart burn and jaw ache for cardiac arrest. The thoughts and feelings would come around in sickening waves and vicious circles. My mood was greatly affected, I'd snap at Lee for no reason - I'd become stressed very easily if Dexter wouldn't settle. All I wanted to do  was sleep and when it came to doing that I felt like I wasn't getting any rest. And then of course it'd all start all over again. I was forever walking around in a dream world convincing myself I hadn't woken up yet and nothing was real. It really was hell. 

Wow, that sounds like it was a very hard time for you. When did you realise that enough was enough?

It took a bit of a kick in the bum from my other half and family members to be honest. I could see how it wasn't just myself who was suffering from these illnesses. My relationships were too. I couldn't go to my friends houses without ending up in tears because I was anxious to be away from home. It was seriously damaging everything around me. I was one of the lucky ones though, I never thought about suicide because I knew I couldn't leave my precious little boy behind - although self harm did cross my mind (I didn't do it). It took Lee to take me to the doctors one day and I just broke down crying. They could see straight away I needed help. To be honest, they probably noticed it a long time before that. I had been in the doctors 6 times in 2 weeks because of a lump on my collarbone which I was convinced was cancer (it wasn't). 

(Source)

What happened next for you? How did the doctors help you?

I was asked to do a simple questionnaire which basically asked me on a scale of 1 - 5 how I had been feeling over the past two weeks. It included if I had been feeling 'Down, depressed or hopeless' among other things like 'Little interest in doing activities you usually enjoyed'. So I filled it in and the doctor came to the conclusion I had severe anxiety and mild PND. I was referred to a counsellor who was specifically trained to deal with anxiety and I worked with her for a while. She helped to explain why I was feeling this way (because I want to be there for my son forever) and also she gave me little workbooks to take home. I was advised to write down my symptoms and thoughts throughout the day so she could target the triggers so we could talk about them at our next session. I also did a couple of weeks counselling through my Sure Start centre which was more general but was told to stop whilst I was seeing the specialist. As well as this I was taking antidepressants. 

When did you start noticing changes in your mood and way of thinking?

It took a few weeks for the medication to start working and I was able to sleep deeper, the problem wasn't getting to sleep for me - it was getting good quality sleep. After that my head felt clearer so I was able to concentrate on getting better.

(Source)

How did you get to where you are now?

It took a lot of hard work. I stopped the medication after just over a year. I was getting to the point where I didn't want depression and anxiety to be looming over me any more. My general mood had changed and I was starting to recognise my symptoms - being able to combat them before they escalated. To be honest, I still have down days where I feel like I'm dreaming and that nothing is real. And I still can't look at myself for long periods of time because I don't recognise myself but I am working on that. Every day I'm trying to make myself feel human again - and I believe I can get there slowly but surely... 

I just want to thank all my family and friends for looking after me through this time of my life; it really means a lot to me. I would also like to advise anyone who feels down - even just a little bit - to go and visit their doctor or health visitor. They are always there to listen to you (my health visitor was fantastic). You may feel like an unfit mother or completely hopeless but you're not. You're doing your best. 

For more information on Health Anxiety (hypochondria) visit 

NHS Direct - Hypochondria

And for more information on Post Natal Depression

NSH Direct - Post Natal Depression